Today’s the day…..

It’s Wednesday, and here I sit; when I should be sleeping. 

I go to the doctor today to make sure that everything passed like it was supposed to.  And God, I really hope it did….I don’t want anything else to have to take place.  As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, I might have to endure more and I don’t think that I can.

My friends must think I’m awful or a basketcase or just plain crazy at this point.  I have avoided everyone that I can for the last week, actually longer, but I think now I’m going to have to face them.  I’m sure everyone will want to tell me that everything will be okay, that this is for the best; but honestly I don’t want to hear it.  Not anymore!  I’m ready for this to be over, O-V-E-R, to just be a memory.  A really crappy memory!  I’ve grieved, believe me I’ve grieved over this, but now I honestly think that I’m beginning to heal.  That God really is taking this pain away.  It’s been 10 days, is this even possible?  I would like to think so.  Some people think I’m pretending to be fine when the truth of the matter is, I’m all cried out.  My tears have run dry….that whole in my heart; Ace is filling it up with so much love that I don’t notice it as much today as I did yesterday.  Today I walked right by the baby clothes at WalMart and didn’t stop to wonder if I would need pink or blue this time.  Just a slight trick of my mind maybe, but I would like to think that I’m done.  I’m done feeling hurt and miserable and sad and sick and all that mess that comes with it.  I’m ready to think of what next month might bring, or the month after that.  I’m ready to get back to living my life instead of just watching it happen from the sidelines.

I miss laughing for no reason at all, and sleeping late without my family thinking I’m alone in the bedroom crying my eyes out, and I miss exercising (which I haven’t really done and used to do everyday and I hate more than anything), and I miss talking on the phone without wondering if this will come up, and I miss my friends and family just being normal.  So please, stop asking if I’m okay when you don’t believe my response anyway, and stop tip-toeing around the subject of babies (of which I know 9 people due to have their own in the next few weeks to months), and stop treating me like I might fall to pieces any second.  I’m okay, not totally healed but I’m getting there and the sooner everyone gets back to life as usual the easier it will be!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate the support and love and prayers from everyone; honestly I think that is what has helped.  That this ordeal was not a secret that I had to go through on my own, that I did have so much support to lean on when I was at my lowest, that is what has helped me heal the most.  So let me heal…..and believe me when I say that I am getting there….and that I am okay.

I know I’m not the first woman in history to go through this, but if I could be the last that would be fine by me.  I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  So to those who have suffered through this, I wish you to be healed and let God’s love surround you and make you whole again; that’s what I’m trying to do.

Thank you Jared for being there and dealing with my crazy mood swings and irrational behavior at times, and for letting me scream when I needed to, and for listening without speaking, and loving me through this all.  You really are the best friend I have ever had, and I’m lucky to have you in my life!  I love you more than words….you have my heart until the end of time!

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

It’s over…..

It’s over, just like that.

Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone.  My heart is broken, I am broken…..

It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it.  This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears.  After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning.  I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes.  He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that.  This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.

I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words. 

How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met?  This was a part of me and Jared,  and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person.  I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have.  I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby.  A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance.  I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand.  I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another. 

I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly.  Today I am heart-broken.  Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.

Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him!  Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him.  Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.

Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away.  Tomorrow I will begin to heal.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.

Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:

I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.

I Wasn’t Invited

Remember the good ole’ days?  The ones where you lived for today.  Your biggest worry was figuring out who was having a party this weekend, and who was going to buy you some alcohol because you were underage!  Remember those days?

If you remember those days you probably remember (or maybe you don’t due to your condition) a few nights where you prayed to the Porcelain God.  Remember that?  Remember putting your face where you usually put your rear end?  Remember giving it everything you had, and then some, and asking the Porcelain God to please make it stop and promising yourself that you would never do it again?

Remember how good the cold bathroom floor felt on your face as you lie there with your pants unbuttoned and probably down around you knees dreading you next worship session?

Well, I forgot about those days until I saw this picture that Momma took of Ace.  Looks like I was not invited to the party…  😀

`

Ace Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor

Ace Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor

Ace Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor

Ace Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor

An Ass Kickin’ Saturday

Today was a good day…one of the better ones I’ve had recently.  What did I do?  Nothing which will make you say “WOW!  Jared is truly amazing!”  Ace and I simply hung out all day long.

Ya see it has been a while since Ace and I have really been able to hang out…guy style.  I’m talking getting up early, running around in nothing but a diaper (underwear for me), getting dirty while playing in the dirt with no shoes on (and not wiping it off), riding the mower (which still doesn’t mow by the way), eating sand out of the sandbox when Dad turns his back for a half a second (it comes out looking like sand too),  going to the park (got even more dirty), and then coming home to relax on the couch and watch some Noggin till Momma gets home.  Good times…good times!

I’ve been working long hours during the week, usually getting home late and only seeing Ace for about an hour before bedtime.  By the time I get home the nightly routine has began…dinner, bath time, PJs, and shortly after…bed time.

Then on the weekends we usually have some place to go and someone to see.

When Momma was working, Ace and I hung out guy style all the time on the weekends, but now that Momma stays home all week she really wants to go somewhere on the weekend, so we are very rarely home on the weekend.

I think I may start offering Momma the chance to get out of the house to be kid and husband free on Saturday, which will give her a chance to go hang out with some of her friends and give Ace and I more of a chance to do our guy things.  😀

Sounds like an even trade to me, you think so?

On top of having an awesome day with Ace I also  discovered a few bloggy friends gave me some cool awards and props!

Brilliante Weblog Award

KylieM from My Digital Life gave me the Brilliante Weblog award.  KylieM is a long time reader here at DadThing.  If you are into scrapbooking, photography, or kid stuff… you should definitely check out one of her blogs.

And then John over at ModernParent.org links to a few of my posts.  John is a first time father who shares his experiences about being a father in the 21st century.  Check out his blog for some cool stories and parenting tips from the perspective of a new father.

Kick Ass Blogger Award

And last, but not least VegasDad, from iVegasFamily, awarded me with the kick as blogger award!  Any award with the word “ass” in it has to be cool…well, unless it is preceded by the word “dumb” or “stupid” or “stank”…you get the point!  Go check out Vegas Dad’s blog.  I promise it is not dumb, stupid, or stank…just kickin’  😀

Oh yeah……Momma went to the doctor on Friday and is definitely pregnant.  The suggested due date is April 11th.  We like spring babies around here…or Momma only ovulates around the month of June.  Who knows…  😀

11 Months In The Making

A few posts ago I hinted at some big news.  ZoeyJane and XBox both figured it out based on the contents of the trash that was emptied into the toilet

We are expecting!  Yay!  After 11 months of trying, we finally succeeded.

Positive Pregnancy Test

Positive Pregnancy Test

Looks like Ace is going to be a big brother.  😀

The official results will come this Friday when Momma goes to the doctor for the blood test, but 4 positive home pregnancy tests tells me that we will be neededing to buy another crib in the next few months.  😀