It’s over…..

It’s over, just like that.

Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone.  My heart is broken, I am broken…..

It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it.  This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears.  After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning.  I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes.  He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that.  This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.

I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words. 

How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met?  This was a part of me and Jared,  and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person.  I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have.  I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby.  A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance.  I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand.  I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another. 

I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly.  Today I am heart-broken.  Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.

Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him!  Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him.  Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.

Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away.  Tomorrow I will begin to heal.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.

Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:

I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.

27 Comments

  1. Zoeyjane says:

    I`m so sorry, both of you. I have way too much experience with this, so know that I speak from a good, knowing place:

    It`s going to hurt a lot for a while. Then it`s still going to hurt, but not at most moments, maybe a few times a day or once a week, or during Aunt Flo`s visit.

    Then a day will come when you hold your friend`s newborn and you don`t cry and think that it should have been your baby that you were holding.

    And that`s when you`ll know that it`s all going to be okay, really.

  2. Momma, Jared.

    I can’t even come close to articulating how sorry I am.

    To be honest, I couldn’t even read all of that post. It is just too much, too hard, and so I can’t even begin to imagine your hurt.

    I hope you can find comfort in each other.

    All my very best to you all
    -Martin

  3. Annie says:

    Ohh Dear! I does not even know to say Sorry for you guys! I really don’t know what to say or I should not say anything.

    Momma I can understand your feelings; I had been through it not once but twice 🙁 Trust me all will be well; Don’t worry! Believe in him, he will take care of the rest of the things.

  4. KylieM says:

    Momma, Jared & Ace .. my heartfelt prayers for you, what an incredibly painful time for you, but I know that the love you all have for each other will get you through. Will be thinking of you.

  5. Mamma and Jared,
    My prayers are with you both that you will be able to have the comfort to be able to overcome this time of pain and disappointment. Sometimes we can not understand why things happen and we tend to blame ourselves. Be sure to keep your faith and confidence in God, that he in fact knows whats best and that you will indeed be blessed with another beautiful child in the future. Again my thoughts and prayers are with you and let me know if you need a person to vent to.

    DaddyKV

  6. Honeybell says:

    I’m so very sorry, I’ll be thinking of both of you.

  7. Dad of Divas says:

    My heart goes out to both of you, I can’t even express how much!

    Your family will remain in my prayers as you go through this painful time.

  8. VegasDad says:

    I found it very hard to read this post, but I made it all the way to the end. My heart was sinking the entire time. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine how I’d feel in a similar situation. Take comfort in each other.

  9. Very sorry Jared. You and your family are in my prayers.

  10. Mike says:

    I’m sorry to hear the crappy news. I don’t have anything more eloquent to say but will be thinking of your two and hoping for a quick recovery.

  11. Mike says:

    My prayers go to you as well. Please stay focused on your faith, it will be your rock through this.

  12. Chuck says:

    I am so sorry you two. As others have said, hold fast to your faith. We are praying for you.

  13. Pete Aldin says:

    This is just plain awful and I my heart went out to both as I read this. No one can understand completely what you’re going through (though something similar happened to us), but looks like you have a whole lotta love and prayers coming your way.

    I love what you wrote about Ace here. What a lifeline he’ll be to you. But you did know the little one who’s in heaven now and you will meet him as you say.

    Take time to heal.
    Love and prayers.

  14. cathy says:

    Momma, its your Momma and I’m so sorry I can’t fix your broken heart but know that I love with all of mine.
    Momma

  15. Amber says:

    I love you guys so much….I am so sorry!

  16. The Mom says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss *hug*.

  17. Jared says:

    Everyone: Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all of the kind words and support! It is amazing that we have friends all over the world pulling for us! It means way more to us that any of you know!

    After the doctor removes the “pelvic rest” order…we’ll back at trying again! 😀

  18. I’m so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you all.

  19. janina says:

    just like someone else posted, i couldn’t make it through the entire post.

    our thoughts and prayers go out to you.

  20. Writer Dad says:

    I am so, so sorry. I cannot fathom your sadness, but I will keep you and your family in my heart and stay mindful of your loss.

  21. shannon says:

    i went through a miscarriage in May. i was heartbroken! Not until just recently have i been able to look at my pregnant friends who are due around the same time and not say “that should be me”. my story is on my blog. i found a really great video you should see.

    Take all the time you need to heal and don’t be hard on yourself! Big hugs to you and your family!!

    shannon

  22. Lisa says:

    So sorry you’re having to go through this. I also have had this experience, and it’s very difficult, because most people just don’t get that this baby was already alive in your heart and mind. I did go on to have three healthy babies, including a set of twins. So there is hope. Keep your chin up. I will say a prayer for you.

  23. tanya25m says:

    I am so, so sorry.

    My best wishes to you.

    Tanya.

  24. Mom & Jared – I’m at a loss for words here…I’m sorry doesn’t even come close.

    My wife and I suffered through a miscarriage before we had our first daughter and I remember how hard it was on both of us. I understand what you’re going through and I know it’s very hard.

    I think you guys are doing the most important part of recovery and that’s trying again. Don’t lose sight of what you’re trying for and you will make it through.

  25. Momo Fali says:

    I have been away and am just now reading this. I am so, so sorry.

    My best friend miscarried last Fall and until then, I honestly didn’t think much of it when someone told me they had. I didn’t understand how they could feel such connection. But, my friend had been trying for two years and we were all so excited, only to have it end. I cried real tears for that baby, and for my friend. Just as I am for you. You are in my prayers.

  26. Greg says:

    Momma, Jared, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am so lost for words right now. I pray that everything gets better/has gotten better for the both of you.

  27. […] marked the start of another baby making journey, and a milestone in our healing process.   After having a miscarriage in August we were cleared for take off.  Hopefully this time we will stay […]

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