It’s over, just like that.
Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone. My heart is broken, I am broken…..
It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it. This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears. After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning. I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.
I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes. He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that. This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.
I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words.
How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met? This was a part of me and Jared, and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person. I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have. I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby. A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance. I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand. I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another.
I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly. Today I am heart-broken. Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.
Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him! Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him. Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.
Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away. Tomorrow I will begin to heal.
If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.
Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:
I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.
Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.