It’s Wednesday, and here I sit; when I should be sleeping.
I go to the doctor today to make sure that everything passed like it was supposed to. And God, I really hope it did….I don’t want anything else to have to take place. As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, I might have to endure more and I don’t think that I can.
My friends must think I’m awful or a basketcase or just plain crazy at this point. I have avoided everyone that I can for the last week, actually longer, but I think now I’m going to have to face them. I’m sure everyone will want to tell me that everything will be okay, that this is for the best; but honestly I don’t want to hear it. Not anymore! I’m ready for this to be over, O-V-E-R, to just be a memory. A really crappy memory! I’ve grieved, believe me I’ve grieved over this, but now I honestly think that I’m beginning to heal. That God really is taking this pain away. It’s been 10 days, is this even possible? I would like to think so. Some people think I’m pretending to be fine when the truth of the matter is, I’m all cried out. My tears have run dry….that whole in my heart; Ace is filling it up with so much love that I don’t notice it as much today as I did yesterday. Today I walked right by the baby clothes at WalMart and didn’t stop to wonder if I would need pink or blue this time. Just a slight trick of my mind maybe, but I would like to think that I’m done. I’m done feeling hurt and miserable and sad and sick and all that mess that comes with it. I’m ready to think of what next month might bring, or the month after that. I’m ready to get back to living my life instead of just watching it happen from the sidelines.
I miss laughing for no reason at all, and sleeping late without my family thinking I’m alone in the bedroom crying my eyes out, and I miss exercising (which I haven’t really done and used to do everyday and I hate more than anything), and I miss talking on the phone without wondering if this will come up, and I miss my friends and family just being normal. So please, stop asking if I’m okay when you don’t believe my response anyway, and stop tip-toeing around the subject of babies (of which I know 9 people due to have their own in the next few weeks to months), and stop treating me like I might fall to pieces any second. I’m okay, not totally healed but I’m getting there and the sooner everyone gets back to life as usual the easier it will be!
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate the support and love and prayers from everyone; honestly I think that is what has helped. That this ordeal was not a secret that I had to go through on my own, that I did have so much support to lean on when I was at my lowest, that is what has helped me heal the most. So let me heal…..and believe me when I say that I am getting there….and that I am okay.
I know I’m not the first woman in history to go through this, but if I could be the last that would be fine by me. I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone, not even my worst enemy. So to those who have suffered through this, I wish you to be healed and let God’s love surround you and make you whole again; that’s what I’m trying to do.
Thank you Jared for being there and dealing with my crazy mood swings and irrational behavior at times, and for letting me scream when I needed to, and for listening without speaking, and loving me through this all. You really are the best friend I have ever had, and I’m lucky to have you in my life! I love you more than words….you have my heart until the end of time!
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)