It’s over…..

It’s over, just like that.

Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone.  My heart is broken, I am broken…..

It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it.  This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears.  After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning.  I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes.  He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that.  This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.

I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words. 

How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met?  This was a part of me and Jared,  and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person.  I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have.  I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby.  A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance.  I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand.  I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another. 

I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly.  Today I am heart-broken.  Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.

Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him!  Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him.  Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.

Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away.  Tomorrow I will begin to heal.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.

Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:

I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.

Things I need to get out of my head!!! (Update)

Friends, some days I wonder what they are good for!  Other days I know for sure, but Friday when I needed someone to cry to, a “good” friend of mine didn’t have the time to listen.  I’m always aware of how people are feeling, this is a personality trait I suppose, but I thought maybe hearing the tears in my voice or just my words would be indication enough that I needed to talk.  Maybe she didn’t know what to say, in which case just listening would have been fine; or maybe she is not used to hearing me cry, this could be the truth.  I can’t remember the last time I had a good cry; you know the one where your nose is running and it’s hard to catch your breathe (not that this was the way I was crying) but I’m not a crier so this is new to me.  But I needed her and she wasn’t there for me and at that exact moment (well after I hung up the phone) I decided that I wouldn’t be there for her either.  I didn’t answer my phones this weekend when she called (about 9 times total) and I deleted her voicemail messages without even listening……irrational behavior on my behalf?  Maybe, but if she would have listened to me on Friday she would understand!

So back to Friday:  I finally went to the doctor on Thursday, being a good listener, I was there to follow up from a previous visit about a week before.  My thyroid (and the waterworks start) is causing some major issues!  I have elevated blood pressure, heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat, headaches, shortness of breathe, insomnia, forgetfulness, (scatter brained as the doctor stated) shifting moods, raging emotions (of which I can no longer control), and yeah I think that’s about it.  Oh wait no, I am NOT ovulating, I must now go on birth control and have been strongly advised to not become pregnant anytime soon.  I’m apparently loosing my mind  though and that is the primary concern next to the crazy-fast thyroid.  My mood swings and raging emotions, let me tell you, that is hard to handle!  I think I’m going crazy inside my own head, not the hearing voices or anything like that kind of crazy, just the regular kind.    My PCP suggested that I begin Prozac for some depression issues that I’m experiencing.  Further making me feel insane, but it will also help with my insomnia.  You mean it’s not normal to be awake for days at a time and then sleep for 15 hours?  Here it’s 1:33am as I type and I’m not a bit tired, but I did get to sleep for 13 hours last night, I thought that was the problem obviously I was wrong I have some issues!  So right now my PCP is going to treat the symptoms of my fast thyroid and let the specialist actually treat the problems with my thyroid.  That brings us back to the baby making problem.  I’ve been advised by both the PCP and my OB/GYN to avoid pregnancy until the issue is resolved with my thyroid.  My question was what does one have to do with the other?  I guess my thyroid is causing me to not ovulate (although I still get a monthly bill, this is just my body going with the flow /no pun intended) which is problem #1; and problem #2 is that my heart is at risk for injury due to the increase in speed caused by thyroid hormone production.  The problem with getting pregnant while going through the process of killing my thyroid is the possibility of damage to the fetus, good enough reason for me to avoid pregnancy.  My concern is how long will this take?  I’m requesting they just remove my thyroid, the doctor suggests radiation therapy to kill my thyroid: who’s suggestion is correct? I’m a big fan of the old if it don’t work get rid of it method, but I think that any doctor would suggest otherwise.  Does anyone out there have any experience with this….can you offer any advice? I don’t know where this leaves me/us, but I hope this gets taken care of sooner rather than later.

MISC RAMBLING: I’m so glad we had a great weekend together as a family, it kept my mind busy with other things.  That is until now, that while the world sleeps I am wide awake!  Awake and able to think and type about last weeks appointment, to go through the conversation again, the parts I remember at least, and figure out what my next step needs to be.  Wishing my problem away didn’t help, so now I must follow the doctors orders!  No more baby-making in this house, at least for awhile.  I guess the upside is that I can get more homework done….one of these years I intend to finish my bach degree!  God knows, maybe I’ll have my PhD by the time this is all said and done, I sure the hell hope not!

Venting……I just had to do it!!!

Okay so like the rest of you I’m hooked on xbox4nappyrash and his struggle to conceive a baby.  Apparently this is pretty common, at least in our house it is!  In case most of you forgot, or didn’t pay attention, we started “not trying” back in September 07.  Well here it is, May 08 and still nothing.  I got a little excited (I know I shouldn’t have) but when the old friend was 12 days late I let myself do it.  And look what happened, she arrived on Friday!!!  I hate it, and keep wishing it gone.

So here’s the deal, I went to the doctor last Tuesday to see what the hell was going or not going on. My doctor (love him!) was keeping his fingers crossed that a blood test would come back positive even  though two hpt’s were both negative.  So the news comes on Friday morning with the friend and no kidding, it’s a negative!  Then some lovely news to go with, my thyroid is jacked up!  My T3 and T4 levels are “way out of whack” according to the nurse and a follow up visit is required.  Not only required but mandatory. 

Let me give you the back story on the old thyroid.  After Ace was born, my thyroid swelled and my T3 and T4 levels went crazy, but this is “common” I’m told, after childbirth.  It’s called plain and simple, inflammation of the thyroid gland.  This is caused by my own immune system basically attacking my thyroid gland.  It is causing my levels to go sky high and then drop, and because of this, I cannot be diagnosed either hypo or hyperthyroid.  So when Ace was about 4 months old I started going to see a really great endocrinologist, one of the best in Columbus.  Here’s how that went:

Visit #1: Draw some blood, feel my throat, tell me things don’t appear to be that bad. (Leaving me with the hope that my PCP is just checking all the bases; my initial complaint was for dizziness and lightheadedness.) Follow up phone call: Ms H, your levels are not right, you must go see this specialist.

Visit #2: Draw some blood, go to the hospital for a scan.  The scan consisted of taking radioactive iodine laying on this bed and taking pictures of my thyroid to check for any abnormal growth.  Follow up phone call: Ms H, your levels are different than last time, but in the opposite direction, oh yeah and your thyroid is very enlarged, does this effect your swallow pattern? (Well now that you mention it, yes it does!)  You see, the average size of a thyroid gland is about as big as a guitar pick, mine on the other hand covers the entire front of my throat from left to right and top to bottom, this is problematic.

Visit #3: Draw some blood, go to the specialist again for an ultrasound of my thyroid gland to check for goiters and tumors.  Follow up phone call: Ms H, no goiters or tumors were found, just a very large gland, but we’ll continue to do blood work to figure out the next step.

Visit#4: Draw blood

Visit #5: Draw blood

Visit #6: Draw blood

Okay so all this happened over a period of 9 weeks, and what were the results, nothing, every-time they check my levels they are different and no where close to creating a pattern.  So the endocrinologist suggests drawing blood every 3 weeks indefinitely until they can decided what to do.  What momma suggested was to stop going to the doctor.  So this puts us at the end of September.  What does this have to do with getting pregnant?  Obviously everything!  My crazy thyroid is causing me to have very irregular cycles and from the home ovulation kits I’ve used, (2 months worth) it’s keeping me from ovulating.  No egg, no baby.  What now!  Well I have another doctor appointment on Monday, during which I will suggest just removing my gland (we’ll see how that goes over) and then I suppose I just sit and wait, what choice do I have!

It’s about time! (Momma Monday)

So it’s been awhile since my last post, and now that life is back to normal, here I am!  The holidays were so stressful, so I’m thankful that is over and now we can move on.  But the new semester has started at school and that is challenging my abilities with time management. 

 I have class on Wednesday’s and Thursday’s and occasionally, as Jared has said, he travels for work, so I need to get Ace to grandma and grandpa’s before 5:30 and get to class by 6!  This in itself has presented a new challenge!  Sometimes the grandparents are home by then and sometimes they are not, so I have enlisted my single, childless, 25-year old brother.  Scary! 

Ace loves his Uncle Charlie, and Uncle Charlie loves his nephew Ace, but Uncle Charlie can’t change a diaper.  How the heck do you babysit when you can’t change a diaper? 

It’s really quite interesting……..Helen has lived next door to my parents since we moved there in 1993, and she watches my niece for my older brother.  She’s great, kind of like an extended family member, she definitely helps out when we need her!  So Uncle Charlie and Ace will have a bottle and then play for a while, and when it’s time for a clean diaper……..it’s time to head next door to Helen’s house! 

But a trustworthy babysitter is worth whatever it takes to make Ace happy and keep his diapers clean!  I know he is being played with, and being fed, and most importantly he is being loved by his Uncle.

Christmas starts Sunday 12/16 (Momma Monday)

So the season is in full swing, and our family gets to start celebrating Christmas this weekend!  Sunday is the only day that my cousin, who lives about 150 miles away, can make it down for the holiday, so that is the day my mother’s family is choosing to celebrate Christmas.  How can this be…….it’s only the 16th for crying out loud!  But this is just the beginning I realize, holy crap!

Here’s the schedule so far, and let’s hope things don’t get changed:

Sunday, 12/16: Grandpa and Grandma S’s house

Monday, 12/24: Great-Grandpa and Great-Grandma T’s house at 6pm in Columbus.  Then we must leave by 7:45 at the latest to be to Grandma and Grandpa O’s house by 9pm that night in Urbana.

Tuesday, 12/25: Breakfast at Great-Grandma W’s house at 9am in West Liberty.  Then back to Columbus for lunch with my immediate family at Grandpa and Grandma S’s house.

Monday, 12/31: Grandpa H and Grandma Cindy in West Liberty for presents at 5 and then a rowdy party that evening!  (Ace will be going back to the grandparents in Urbana for that portion of the evening, Mom and Dad want to party too!)

Okay, so here’s my question; when are we having our family Christmas?  It was never a big deal before, we just spent four days a month driving all over Ohio to celebrate with our family and friends, but now with Ace, it just seems too much.  How do we not go though?  Who’s feelings would we choose to hurt if we decide to skip one house or the other?  I never really thought about this until now, but the plans are made, the gifts are bought, and we are going!

What a nightmare waiting to happen!  Merry Christmas Everyone!

(I will not be posting on the 24th, as you can see from above, we will not be in town and I hope that everyone is busy with their families instead!  Happy Holidays!)

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