Why Buy Toys?

I mean seriously.  Ace has a whole room full of toys.  Hell, you risk life and limb just to venture into the booby trapped maze of Fisher Price land mines!

With all the toys that Ace has, it never seems to amaze me the things that he plays with…

Favorite toy #1 is the toilet plunger!  How much more sanitary of a toy could he find?  If we leave the bathroom door open, it is a given that I will eventually trip over a tool designed to push a chunk of poo the size of a drain pipe!

Favorite toy #2 is the toilet brush…  If you find the poop pusher in the kitchen, you are likely to find the Porcelain God’s  loofah somewhere nearby.  Let’s just see how many places we can spread the fecal matter, shall we?

Favorite Toy #3 is the attachment for the vacuum.  But you know what’s funny..?  If I actually attach it to the vacuum and turn it on so that he will actually be doing some cleaning…he wants nothing to do with it.  😀

Favorite Toy #4 is the trash can lid.  If you take it off of the trash can, put it in the middle of the tile kitchen floor, stand on it until it is flat, and then jump off… it snaps back into shape with a loud POP.  Damned Rubbermaid…

And finally, Favorite Toys #5, 6, 7, 8, and 9…anything that is stacked in a neat pile, put away in a cabinet, on the counters, hanging from the Christmas tree, or otherwise purposely hidden from a two year olds view and/or reach…

What are your kids’ favorite “toys”?

Daddy Is A Dum Dum

daddy is a dum dum

That’s right Ace…sometimes your Daddy is a Dum Dum.  Let me tell you why…

I try…I try to be a good guy.  I try to help others.  I’m not big on charity.  I’m not big on donations…mostly because you have no idea what that money is going towards.

I usually give the homeless guy at the gas station a quarter.  I usually give that guy who claims to have run out of gas my pocket change.  I do it even though I am pretty sure that they are full of shit up to their ears and are going to go smoke my money in a few minutes.   I give them the benefit of the doubt.

Today we pulled into a CVS parking lot and some normal looking guy comes walking up to us asking for help.  This guy looked like he was in trouble.  He was drenched in sweat and out of breath.  He looked like he was seriously worried about something.

He said that his car broke down a few blocks away and was asking for help to get home.  He said his wife and kids were in the car waiting and that he would gladly take me over to see them to prove it.  He said that he had called for a taxi but it was too much money.  He needed $38 dollars for the cab ride.

I asked him where he was going…and I knew that the cab ride there was just about $40 bucks (I did it a few years back when I was stranded).

He told me to write down my phone number and once he got home to his other car he would call me and meet me at the CVS to pay me back.

My instinct told me to say “No” and move on with my life, but the good guy in me said “Just give him the money…it is only $40 bucks.”

What if this was me, Momma, an Ace.  If I was seriously stranded somewhere without my wallet and no way to get home I would hope that someone would help us out.

I mean seriously…even if the guy takes my money and runs, I have wasted $40 plenty of times.  This would be just another one of those times.

So, I pulled out my wallet and gave him $40 bucks.

The guy shook my hand, looked me in the eyes, thanked me, and said that he would call me as soon as he got home to set up a time to pay me back.

Well, that was about 5 hours ago and my phone still has not rang…and my wallet is still short $40.

(Short pause while I kick myself)

So where did I screw up?  Did I screw up for helping the guy?  Did I screw up for giving him money?

This is a public announcement to all homeless, beggars, people with broke down cars, people who have ran out of gas, people who ask for money of any kind from me…you are SOL.  I will never give out a single penny again to anyone who asks for it.  You want a sandwich?  You want a gallon of gas?  You need the tire changed on your car?  I’ll do those things for you.   But I will never give anyone another penny.

I don’t mind helping people when they need it, but it really pisses me off to be taken advantage of.

So how many licks does it take to get to the center of this Tootsie Pop?  About $40 worth… 🙂

What Goes Crunch, Crunch, Crunch In The Dark?

Wednesday night we had a really bad storm come through town.  I was driving home from work and had to literally stop on the freeway due to zero visibility with my wipers on hyper speed.  The wind gusts were downright mindshattering.  I was driving my truck (which doubles as a wind sail during storms due to it’s large side profile) and could actally feel the truck lift up when the wind was hitting me head on.  The news said we had near 70 MPH wind gusts!

Anyways, I made it home without blowing away.  I was waiting for one of two things to happen…  the tree in front of our house to fall on our roof, …or the power to go out.  One of the two was inevitable…

So, in the mean time I cooked dinner (Momma was not feeling well).  I made Taco Salad, but I forgot to buy the Taco Seasoning on the way home from work.  So I made the taco salad without the seasoning.  So really it was hamburger and chili bean salad…tasted about as good as it sounds. 😆

I set up Ace’s chair in the living room and gave Ace a plate with some hamburger and beans, but he would have nothing to do with it.  I don’t blame him…it was gross, but I could not let a whole pound of hamburger go to waste, so I ate it anyways. 🙂

I gave Ace a handful of potato chips to keep him busy until I could get back with ole’ faithful…a hot dog.  This kid is going to turn into a hot dog if we are not careful. 😀

Of course all the hot dogs were frozen, so I put one on the microwave for two minutes to thaw and cook it real quick.  The microwave beeped when it was done, and I pressed the button to open the microwave door….

DARKNESS!

All the power in our house went out.  My first thought was “Where the hell is Ace?”  I could just see him getting scared, running to find me, and falling and hurting himself on the corner of some piece of furniture.   “He is probably freaking out right about now!”,  I think to myself.  Then I remembered he was strapped into his chair. 

 So I start making my way into the living room, tripping over toys and cussing under my breath the whole way. 😆

I get to the living room and can not remember where I set up his chair.  Was it on the left or right side of the couch?  Remember it was pitch black.   I could not see anything. 

I called Ace’s name, but he did not make a peep.  So I start slowly making my way through the living room with my arms outstretched feeling for his chair, head, arms, whatever.  And then I hear it…

“Crunch, crunch, crunch.”

“What the hell is that?” I say to myself.

“Crunch, crunch, crunch.”

I make my way towards the noise and find Ace sitting there in the pitch black room, strapped to his chair, still enjoying his potato chips…just crunching away like nothing ever happened.

Paranoid Dad much?  😳

How Kids Change Your Life…10 Things No One Tells You About

I remember back when we were expecting Ace.  Everyone kept telling us how much it would change our life, but all they told us was, “Diapers and formula are expensive!”…or, “You’ll be getting up every couple of hours every night to a crying kid!”.

So I’m going to let out the secrets…what are some of the things that change…that no one tells you about. 😀

1. You venture into areas of your TV volume meter that have never been explored…(No I do not watch the fashion show shown on the TV…that was all Momma’s doing.)  😀

TV Volume Before Kids
TV Volume Before Kids

TV Volume After Kids
TV Volume After Kids

2.  You must now share cabinet space with brightly colored sippy cups.  Be glad you did not install those fancy clear cabinet doors…because I guarantee the neon rainbow does not go with most kitchen decors.  😀

Sippy Cups Share A Cabinet
Sippy Cups Share A Cabinet

3.  Other cabinets are completely taken over…  What used to be there?  Hell, I forget (loss of memory is another thing they don’t tell you about) 😀

Hikacked Cabinet - Baby Stuff
Hijacked Cabinet – Baby Stuff

Hikacked Cabinet - Baby Food
Hijacked Cabinet – Baby Food

4.  You find it financially necessary to buy a digital camera.  I have taken over 2000 pictures in the past 19 months.  You know how much it would have cost to develop 2000 pictures? Most of them blurry, off center, or otherwise not visually pleasing…

Digital Camera Needed
Digital Camera Needed

5.  Your computer wallpaper can no longer be some cool scenery or your favorite sports team.  It is, of course, a picture (or even slide show) of your kid…

Ace Wallpaper
Ace Wallpaper

6.  Hearing a kid crying is no longer like nails on a chalkboard.  It still bothers you, but you are extremely desensitized compared to it’s pre-kid effects…

Ace Crying
Ace Crying

7.  Other people’s kids crying doesn’t bother you like it did before you had kids either.  It has other effects on you, like…chuckling quietly because you know exactly what the crying kid’s parent is going through and you are just glad it is not you this time…but you know your turn is coming. 😀

8.  No longer does your back yard look like a golf course green.  Now it looks like the playground at the park…

Golf Course Green Backyard
Golf Course Green Backyard

9.  Your refrigerator will now be a major source of entertainment for your little one.  A little side effect? Coming down in the middle of the night to get a drink and busting your ass on refrigerator magnets that have been left lying on the floor. ;D

Refrigerator Magnets
Refrigerator Magnets

10.  It is not only recommended, but often necessary to change your disgusting habits.  Those little people are like copy-catting sponges… 😀

Kids Picking Their Noses
Kids Picking Their Noses

But even though you have to deal with the noise, the cabinet rearrangements, the wallpaper hijacking, the buying of a digital camera, the crying, the loss of your beautiful backyard, the refrigerator decorations, and the nose picking…it is all worth it…because of moments like this…

Why It Is All Worth It
Why It Is All Worth It

Uncle JoJo, What Is That?

I am jealous of most of the other Mom and Dad bloggers. Why? Their kids talk. Their kids say the funniest things…which makes for some great blogging material.

Since Ace does not talk yet, I rely on pictures, videos, and the cuteness factor!

However, I was hangin’ out with my three year old niece, Olivia, the other day when she said something to me that rang the “I gotta write a post about this” bell. Let’s call it good practice for when Ace starts talking…

Olivia On Sit and SpinOlivia: Uncle JoJo, what is this on your arm? (Petting my arm)

Me: What? Where?

Olivia: Right here… (gently tugging on my arm hair)

Me: That’s hair!

Olivia: Where did it come from?

Me: (Trying to think of an answer a 3 year old would understand, I resorted to…) I don’t know.

Olivia: I know where it came from!

Me: Really? Where?

Olivia: The top of your head!

Nothing makes you feel like a crippled old man like having a three year old let you know that you are going bald!

At least she patted me on the top of my old bald head to make me feel better afterwards. 😀