Happy Birthday Ace!

In celebrating Ace’s first birthday I wanted to write about the most exciting day of my life.  The day that Ace was born.  I started DadThing.com when Ace was about 6 months old, so his birth story has never been told here.

Happy 1st Birthday Little Man!

The Birth Story!

It all started on March 12, 2007.  I was at work on the phone with a customer.  My cell phone rang, and it was Momma.  I put the customer on hold and answered my cell.  She said she was having contractions.  I told her I would call her right back after I got off the phone with the customer (I will never live that one down :D)  Thirty seconds later I called Momma back and we decided it was best for me to come home because the contractions were getting closer together.

When I arrive home Momma is in the shower.  She looks a lot more relaxed than I thought she would be.  I grab my stop watch and start timing the contractions while writing down when each contaction started and stopped.  After a few hours the contractions were down to about 5 minutes.  I call the doctor and was told it was time to go to the hospital.

I grab all of the bags that I had packed and ready for the occasion.  We get in the car, take the dog to Momma’s parent’s house, and then make our way to the hospital.  After arriving at the hospital we make our way to Maternity.  I get handed a packet full of paper to fill out (which I totally screwed up because I was so nervous).

After a few minutes we were walked back to the “observation room” where Momma was hooked up to all kinds of monitors that recorded the strength of her contractions and her and the babies vital signs.  Not long after she was hooked up to the monitors a nurse opened our curtain and walked in.  She informed us that Momma’s blood pressure was elevated and she needed to relax…easier said than done.  We spent what seemed like eternity in this small curtained in room that was barely big enough for the bed, the monitoring equipment, and me.

All Momma wanted to do was stand up.  This is what made her comfortable at home and she knew this would make her more comfortable here.  I asked the nurse if Momma could stand, but the nursesaid “No!”.  They were afraid that with Momma’s elevated blood pressure she would pass out or something.  So Momma had to just stick out the pain the best she could. (I gotta give a hand to Momma here.  She was tough and stayed strong!)

Finally, we were moved to a delivery room which was a bit more comfortable, but they still wouldn’t let Momma stand.  I made a call to Momma’s Dad and let him know that we had been admitted.  His job was to call everyone on the list that wanted to be at the hospital when Ace was born and let them know that the time has come.

In the delivery room Momma had to lay on her side.  Her blood pressure kept going up.  The nurses were freaking at this point and decided to give Momma some magnesium sulfate.  The magnesium was to keep Momma from having seizures!  That’s right seizures!!!  Very high blood pressure causes seizures!  I started to worry at this point!

Momma was all about not having an epidural, but due to her high blood pressure the nurses and doctors decided it was best to do the epidural so that Momma could relax and hopefully her blood pressure would drop.

After the epidural was administered the nurses turned out the lights and told us to go to sleep…we both passed out in record time.

I was woken by the lights turning on (after what seemed like a 30 second nap) and a nurse entering the room letting us know that it was time!  Holy shit!  It was time!  Although I had to do none of the pushing, none of the breathing, none of the tearing, none of the bleeding…I was nervous!  I stood there like a zombie.  I forgot most of what we had learned in the parenting classes.  I did my best to comfort Momma.

Momma’s water hadn’t broke yet, so the nurse broke it for her.  I saw it all.  I huge splash of brown liquid.  Brown because Ace had pooped in there.  The little booger couldn’t wait.  😀  They ran a small hose up in there and flushed the baby factory with water to get all of the marconium (a.k.a.  poop) out.

I just stood by Momma’s side as she pushed…and pushed…and pushed…

My cell phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID and it was my Dad.  Do I answer it?  I knew he was driving in from out of town and wouldn’t call unless it was important.  So I answered it.  He was lost.  I was giving him directions, but I don’t know my way around the city very well.  Momma asked who the hell I was talking to.  I told her my Dad was lost.  Momma was yelling out directions in between pushes.  (Another thing I will never live down.)  Once I got him headed in the right direction the cell phone was turned off so that I could fcous on the task at hand.  😀

Momma didn’t have to push much longer (she is a good pusher) and I could see the top of Ace’s head.  A few more pushes and his whole head was out.  I couldn’t see his face though.  The doctors suctioned out his mouth and nose.  A few more pushes and his shoulder came out.  One more push and he flew right out of there into the doctors hands.  The doctor placed Ace on Momma’s belly.  I just stood there staring at him in amazement.  Momma was doing the same.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t smile.  I didn’t say a word.  I just stood there in total amazement.

The doctor asked me if I would like to cut the cord.  I snapped out of zombie mode as I was handed a pair of scissors.  He pointed at the area for me to cut.  I clearly saw where to cut, but had to ask him…”Right here?”…just to make sure. 😀  A few snips with the scissors and I realized that I just set the little guy free.

He was now on his own.  No longer would Momma’s body supply him with what he needed to survive.  He had to breath.  He had to eat.  He had to poop and pee on his own.  He was a real, live person!

They took Ace over and cleaned him up, weighed him, measured him, and checked all of his vitals.  I was still just standing there…amazed!  Momma had to tell me to get the camera and go take some pictures.



He weighed 6 lbs. 8 oz.

I remember saying “Hi” to him.  It was weird hearing myself say, “Hi Ace!”.  He didn’t exist in this world a few seconds ago.  Ace was someone that had only existed in my imagination up to this point.  I remember putting my finger in his little hand and having him grab a hold.  Still chokes me up to this day…

I remember the nurse then wrapping him up, putting that tiny little hat on him, and letting Momma hold him for the first time.


Momma was a natural.  She knew what to say, how to hold him, how to act…she truly was a natural!  And I was so proud of her!

A few minutes later Momma handed Ace to me.  I had never held a small baby and was nervous about it, but ya know what?  It felt very natural…even though I probably looked extremely awkward and nervous.  😀


And that’s how it all started.  A year ago today.  Me…proud…a Dad.

What Not To Do!

It doesn’t take a lot of skill, or even smarts, to procreate.  Take a guy, a girl, a few pelvic thrusts, and whop-bam-boom…you have procreated.  Simple, right?

Actually taking care of Momma before birth, and the little procreation after birth is a different story.  Many mistakes, bloopers, and near misses tend to happen along the pathway to getting your child into this world and then on to adulthood.

I’ve only been tripping down this path for about 18 months now (I’m including the 9 months of pregnancy), and figured I would share what I’ve learned not to do…

Never Be Too Tired To Interact With The Belly

No matter how tired you are, if your lady is pregnant and she asks you to feel her belly, or rub her belly, or listen to her belly, or talk to her belly, or lick her belly (OK I made that one up)…do it.  Superglue your eyelids open, drink some Red Bull, jog in place, do whatever it takes to stay awake and do it.  You are not feeling, rubbing, listening, talking to, or licking just her belly…you are interacting with your unborn child and showing your lady that you are excited about metamorphosing into a Dad.  It means a lot to her. Trust me on this one!

Never Assume Pregnant Sex Is Even Remotely Similar To Not Pregnant Sex

So you and your lady have probably gone at it multiple times in the past.  You both know what works and what doesn’t.  You know what buttons to push and what sequence to push them in.  Once her belly starts getting bigger it’s like the program changes.  No longer is that angle possible, no longer is that comfortable, no longer does that work, and no longer are those allowed to be touched!  It’s like bumping uglys for the first time again.  Not knowing what to expect…and just plain awkward!

Never Tell Your Wife You Will Call Her Right Back When She Calls To Tell You She Is Having Contractions

I was at work on the phone with a customer and my cell phone rings.  Momma says she is having contractions.  I asked her how far apart they were.  She said 15 to 20 minutes.  I asked if I could call her right back after I get off the phone with the customer.  She said, “OK.”  I hurried up the phone call with the customer and called Momma back within 60 seconds.  Never ever do this…you will never hear the end of it. 🙂

When Your Lady Is In The Delivery Room Pushing Out Your Baby Never Answer Your Cell Phone Even If It Is Your Dad Calling To Get Directions To The Hospital

My Dad was coming in from out of town to be there for the birth of his first grandchild.  I gave him good directions, but for some reason he missed his exit and drove half way around the outer-belt and then ended up downtown.  He called my cell to figure out where he needed to go and it just so happened that it was at the exact time that Momma was deep into the pushing stage.  In between pushes she asked me where he was at, and was yelling out directions for him to get to the hospital.  It was not pretty!  Never EVER EVER answer your cell phone when your lady is pushing!  I’m sure this story will be told to my great great grandchildren. 🙂

Just Because Your Baby Boy Had Not Turned Into A Pee Fountain At The Hospital While Changing His Diaper, Do Not Expect It To Continue At Home

We walked in the door of my mother-in-laws house after leaving from the hospital.  Of course Ace’s diaper needed changed right away.  I walked him over to the changing table and ripped of his diaper just like I had done for the past three days in the hospital.  Much to my surprise…Pee Fountain!  It went everywhere, including, but not limited to…my mouth, his mouth, my face, his face, the wall, in his ears, up his nose, in his eyes, and of course all over the fresh new diaper.  He screamed, I screamed, and Grandma came to our rescue.  Consider baby boys cocked and loaded at all times. 🙂

Never Use The Finger Sweep Method

Most of the time it is not hard to tell if your baby has dropped a load in their diaper.  You can usually smell it from across the room.  However there are those times that you just are not sure.  So what do you do next?  You pick them up and place your nose against their diaper.  This will usually give you a definite answer.  However there are times it is still questionable.  Maybe they just farted and the air mixed poop particulates are slowly seeping through the urine soaked absorbent material in the diaper.  What do you do next?  You stick you finger inside their diaper and then pull it out.  NO NO NO!  It is inevitable that every time you do this it was not a fart!  It was not a little stinker!  It was a full on CRAP!  Never, under any circumstance use the Finger Sweep Method.  Instead resort to the Lift And Peek Method.  You can thank me later!

Never Assume That Because Bananas Make Your Baby Constipated and Prunes Gives Them The Squirts That Mixing The Two Will  Be Alright

The potency of prunes outweighs the potency of bananas 10:1.  Nuff said… 😀

Never Assume That Because Your Kid Is Sleeping Next To You On The Couch That You Can Watch Kat Williams’ “Pimp Chronicles” And Get Away With It

Just sitting there laughing myself silly at the borderline inappropriate comedy when I look over to see Ace…eyes wide open and laughing at the TV.  What the hell?  He can’t even talk!  How can he possibly comprehend that what the guy on TV is saying is funny?  I just hope his first words are not from that show! 😀


Wow…the things I should have done different.  And only in 18 months.  What will the next 18 years bring? 🙂