Today’s the day…..

It’s Wednesday, and here I sit; when I should be sleeping. 

I go to the doctor today to make sure that everything passed like it was supposed to.  And God, I really hope it did….I don’t want anything else to have to take place.  As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, I might have to endure more and I don’t think that I can.

My friends must think I’m awful or a basketcase or just plain crazy at this point.  I have avoided everyone that I can for the last week, actually longer, but I think now I’m going to have to face them.  I’m sure everyone will want to tell me that everything will be okay, that this is for the best; but honestly I don’t want to hear it.  Not anymore!  I’m ready for this to be over, O-V-E-R, to just be a memory.  A really crappy memory!  I’ve grieved, believe me I’ve grieved over this, but now I honestly think that I’m beginning to heal.  That God really is taking this pain away.  It’s been 10 days, is this even possible?  I would like to think so.  Some people think I’m pretending to be fine when the truth of the matter is, I’m all cried out.  My tears have run dry….that whole in my heart; Ace is filling it up with so much love that I don’t notice it as much today as I did yesterday.  Today I walked right by the baby clothes at WalMart and didn’t stop to wonder if I would need pink or blue this time.  Just a slight trick of my mind maybe, but I would like to think that I’m done.  I’m done feeling hurt and miserable and sad and sick and all that mess that comes with it.  I’m ready to think of what next month might bring, or the month after that.  I’m ready to get back to living my life instead of just watching it happen from the sidelines.

I miss laughing for no reason at all, and sleeping late without my family thinking I’m alone in the bedroom crying my eyes out, and I miss exercising (which I haven’t really done and used to do everyday and I hate more than anything), and I miss talking on the phone without wondering if this will come up, and I miss my friends and family just being normal.  So please, stop asking if I’m okay when you don’t believe my response anyway, and stop tip-toeing around the subject of babies (of which I know 9 people due to have their own in the next few weeks to months), and stop treating me like I might fall to pieces any second.  I’m okay, not totally healed but I’m getting there and the sooner everyone gets back to life as usual the easier it will be!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate the support and love and prayers from everyone; honestly I think that is what has helped.  That this ordeal was not a secret that I had to go through on my own, that I did have so much support to lean on when I was at my lowest, that is what has helped me heal the most.  So let me heal…..and believe me when I say that I am getting there….and that I am okay.

I know I’m not the first woman in history to go through this, but if I could be the last that would be fine by me.  I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  So to those who have suffered through this, I wish you to be healed and let God’s love surround you and make you whole again; that’s what I’m trying to do.

Thank you Jared for being there and dealing with my crazy mood swings and irrational behavior at times, and for letting me scream when I needed to, and for listening without speaking, and loving me through this all.  You really are the best friend I have ever had, and I’m lucky to have you in my life!  I love you more than words….you have my heart until the end of time!

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

It’s over…..

It’s over, just like that.

Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone.  My heart is broken, I am broken…..

It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it.  This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears.  After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning.  I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes.  He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that.  This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.

I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words. 

How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met?  This was a part of me and Jared,  and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person.  I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have.  I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby.  A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance.  I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand.  I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another. 

I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly.  Today I am heart-broken.  Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.

Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him!  Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him.  Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.

Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away.  Tomorrow I will begin to heal.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.

Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:

I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.

Play Ball!

The other night we packed up and headed down to the local minor league baseball stadium for Ace’s first baseball game! We were greeted by swarms of fans, the smell of hot dogs and popcorn, and a night full of the All American Past Time…Baseball!

Ace, of course, could care less about the actual game, but was too busy eating Goldfish and smiling at the old ladies. 😀

We actually went for one of our friend’s kid’s birthday party, so after the second inning all the kids there for the party got to go out into left field and do the chicken dance with the cheerleaders. So there I am, out in left field with Ace (and the cheerleaders 😀 ) helping him flap his wings, shake his butt, and clap like a drugged up chicken.

Here are some pics of Ace’s first baseball game…

The Coop
“The Coop”

Ace Figuring Out His Cow Bell
Ace figuring out his new cow bell…

Ace Has Figured Out The Cow Bell
I think he’s got it figured out…anyone have any Tylenol?

Dad And Ace Enjoying A Hot Dog
Gotta teach this boy right…any babseball game requires the consumption of at least one hot dog. 😀

Mascots Are Scary
What the hell is that thing?

Ace Paying Attention To The Game
It was an exciting game…

The Chicken Dance
The Chicken Dance (I’m the one squatted down using Ace as a puppet, cause I don;t do the chicken dance, but I sure can make Ace do a killer rendition of it. 😀 )

After The Chicken Dance
Ace and I walking off the field after getting our groove on…

Grandpa’s Glory – Part II

Back in October, I wrote a post about Ace’s Grandpa, my Dad.  Ace and his Grandpa didn’t get a long too good at first.  Grandpa would say “Hi!” and Ace would scream like a banshee!

It was tough on Grandpa, but things have been getting better…

Ace, Momma, and I spent all weekend at Grandpa’s just hanging out and swimming in the pool!  We had a blast and got some nice tan lines as a result. 😀

As you probably know, Ace loves to ride on the mower, and when Grandpa started his up Ace wasn’t going to quit until he was taken for a ride.  It wasn’t hard for Ace to convince his Grandpa for a quick ride on the mower, but a quick ride turned into 20-30 minutes of lapping the yard.  😀

Grandpa and Ace Riding On The Mower

And after a long day in the sun, nothing is better than a nap in the recliner…

Grandpa and Ace Napping In The Recliner

It makes me think back to when my Grandpa took me for rides on his mower.  Something I will never forget!  I’m going to have to dig up some pictures of me riding on my Grandpa’s mower and napping in his recliner…and post them here of course.  😀

Sometimes it’s scary how much Ace and I are alike… 😀

Vacation to Iowa!

Vacation to Iowa was great! It was nice to get away from the daily grind for once. No rush hour traffic. No cell phone. No worries!

We left at about 3 AM on Thursday night.  It took us about 14 hours and two tanks of gas to get from Ohio to Storm Lake, IA. (Can you say “Empty wallet and pooped?”) Have you ever driven across the Midwest? It is sooo exciting!!! Here’s a picture I took through the rear view mirror with my camera phone to show you just how much fun we were all having… 😆

Momma and Ace sleeping in the car on the way to Iowa

We stayed at a hotel in Storm Lake called King’s Pointe. We reserved a double queen suite with a crib and a lake view a few weeks before hand, but when we arrived we got a handicap double queen room with a parking lot view. 🙁

The handicap room would not work because it had no bath tub for Ace, and we really wanted the lake view with a balcony (the hotel was non-smoking and the balcony would be our smoking area 😆 )

After a bit of persistence they gave us the room we reserved and all was well.

Dad and Momma on the balcony at Kings Pointe in Storm Lake Iowa

The hotel had an indoor and outdoor water park! (I was so excited…I’m just like a little boy when it comes to this kinda stuff 😆 )

King’s Pointe Indoor Water Park Resort

The closest Ace has been to going swimming was splashing around in the bath tub, so I was very curious to how he would react to the swimming pool. After a few minutes of scared-shitless-ness accompanied by a white-knuckled-death-grip on Dad, Ace started to relax and enjoy himself!

We had so much fun being in the water with him that we really didn’t get out to take many pictures of his first time swimming! Here is one that I managed to snap of Ace and Momma lounging in the pool…

Momma and Ace In The Pool

Even though he thoroughly enjoyed the swimming pool, he was utterly amazed by the fountain…

Ace Staring At The Fountain

…or was it the Bud Light sign? 😆

One reason we went to Iowa was to visit some old friends who’s daughter was graduating from high school. We went to the graduation, which was in a small non-air-conditioned (Can you say “Hot As Balls?”) gymnasium.

Ace has been self-propelled for a while now and really likes it that way. Ever since he has learned to move under his own power, he absolutely forbids to sit still. It was hot in the gymnasium… sweaty, and smelled like the locker room after football practice! So, I took off Ace’s restraints (joking!) and took him outside to play in the shade while Momma stayed inside to watch the graduation ceremony.

We get outside and there is no shade! So I’m chasing after Ace in the burning sunlight on concrete hot enough to fry an egg when I smell something a bit different than the sweaty smell I had become accustomed to in the gymnasium… You guessed it…I smelled a baby biscuit getting baked in Ace’s diaper!

Luckily I grabbed the diaper bag on the way outside, but there was no where to change him.  So, Ace and I head off on a two mile trek to the car where we enjoyed a fresh diaper, a drink, and 45 minutes worth of gas wasting air-conditioned heaven! 😆

The drive back to Ohio was not so nice. Ace had some of his molars breaking through the skin, and he was not enjoying the car ride a single bit.  So, we stopped half way and grabbed a hotel room in Illinois.  Luckily, I travel a lot for work and earn TONS of hotel points, so we got a room for free for the night. The hotel had a pool where we spent most of the evening splashing around…

After a good swim and getting a good nights sleep we headed out in the morning to finish the last half of our journey home. We took our time. We stopped for a packed lunch at a rest stop with Mr. Smarty Pants himself…

Smarty pants eating his lunch at a rest stop

…and then Ace napped most of the rest of the way home…

Ace relaxing in the car on the way home from Iowa

Despite the sore rear ends from sitting in the car for over 28 hours, the mix up with the hotel room, the incredibly hot gymnasium, the fried diaper biscuit, and the crying restlessness of a teething child strapped into the back seat of a gas guzzling SUV…we had a very good time and enjoyed the visit with our old friends!

Back to the grind… Ughhh… 😆