It doesn’t take a lot of skill, or even smarts, to procreate.  Take a guy, a girl, a few pelvic thrusts, and whop-bam-boom…you have procreated.  Simple, right?

Actually taking care of Momma before birth, and the little procreation after birth is a different story.  Many mistakes, bloopers, and near misses tend to happen along the pathway to getting your child into this world and then on to adulthood.

I’ve only been tripping down this path for about 18 months now (I’m including the 9 months of pregnancy), and figured I would share what I’ve learned not to do…

Never Be Too Tired To Interact With The Belly

No matter how tired you are, if your lady is pregnant and she asks you to feel her belly, or rub her belly, or listen to her belly, or talk to her belly, or lick her belly (OK I made that one up)…do it.  Superglue your eyelids open, drink some Red Bull, jog in place, do whatever it takes to stay awake and do it.  You are not feeling, rubbing, listening, talking to, or licking just her belly…you are interacting with your unborn child and showing your lady that you are excited about metamorphosing into a Dad.  It means a lot to her. Trust me on this one!

Never Assume Pregnant Sex Is Even Remotely Similar To Not Pregnant Sex

So you and your lady have probably gone at it multiple times in the past.  You both know what works and what doesn’t.  You know what buttons to push and what sequence to push them in.  Once her belly starts getting bigger it’s like the program changes.  No longer is that angle possible, no longer is that comfortable, no longer does that work, and no longer are those allowed to be touched!  It’s like bumping uglys for the first time again.  Not knowing what to expect…and just plain awkward!

Never Tell Your Wife You Will Call Her Right Back When She Calls To Tell You She Is Having Contractions

I was at work on the phone with a customer and my cell phone rings.  Momma says she is having contractions.  I asked her how far apart they were.  She said 15 to 20 minutes.  I asked if I could call her right back after I get off the phone with the customer.  She said, “OK.”  I hurried up the phone call with the customer and called Momma back within 60 seconds.  Never ever do this…you will never hear the end of it.

When Your Lady Is In The Delivery Room Pushing Out Your Baby Never Answer Your Cell Phone Even If It Is Your Dad Calling To Get Directions To The Hospital

My Dad was coming in from out of town to be there for the birth of his first grandchild.  I gave him good directions, but for some reason he missed his exit and drove half way around the outer-belt and then ended up downtown.  He called my cell to figure out where he needed to go and it just so happened that it was at the exact time that Momma was deep into the pushing stage.  In between pushes she asked me where he was at, and was yelling out directions for him to get to the hospital.  It was not pretty!  Never EVER EVER answer your cell phone when your lady is pushing!  I’m sure this story will be told to my great great grandchildren.

Just Because Your Baby Boy Had Not Turned Into A Pee Fountain At The Hospital While Changing His Diaper, Do Not Expect It To Continue At Home

We walked in the door of my mother-in-laws house after leaving from the hospital.  Of course Ace’s diaper needed changed right away.  I walked him over to the changing table and ripped of his diaper just like I had done for the past three days in the hospital.  Much to my surprise…Pee Fountain!  It went everywhere, including, but not limited to…my mouth, his mouth, my face, his face, the wall, in his ears, up his nose, in his eyes, and of course all over the fresh new diaper.  He screamed, I screamed, and Grandma came to our rescue.  Consider baby boys cocked and loaded at all times.

Never Use The Finger Sweep Method

Most of the time it is not hard to tell if your baby has dropped a load in their diaper.  You can usually smell it from across the room.  However there are those times that you just are not sure.  So what do you do next?  You pick them up and place your nose against their diaper.  This will usually give you a definite answer.  However there are times it is still questionable.  Maybe they just farted and the air mixed poop particulates are slowly seeping through the urine soaked absorbent material in the diaper.  What do you do next?  You stick you finger inside their diaper and then pull it out.  NO NO NO!  It is inevitable that every time you do this it was not a fart!  It was not a little stinker!  It was a full on CRAP!  Never, under any circumstance use the Finger Sweep Method.  Instead resort to the Lift And Peek Method.  You can thank me later!

Never Assume That Because Bananas Make Your Baby Constipated and Prunes Gives Them The Squirts That Mixing The Two Will  Be Alright

The potency of prunes outweighs the potency of bananas 10:1.  Nuff said…

Never Assume That Because Your Kid Is Sleeping Next To You On The Couch That You Can Watch Kat Williams’ “Pimp Chronicles” And Get Away With It

Just sitting there laughing myself silly at the borderline inappropriate comedy when I look over to see Ace…eyes wide open and laughing at the TV.  What the hell?  He can’t even talk!  How can he possibly comprehend that what the guy on TV is saying is funny?  I just hope his first words are not from that show!

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Wow…the things I should have done different.  And only in 18 months.  What will the next 18 years bring?