It’s been a while……Update!

So it’s been a while since the last post, the one where I was going to the doctor to be checked.  Well as it turns out, everything came out fine and nothing else is needed.  Yay for that!!!  The other good thing, my monthly bill came so that means that my body is totally healed and the baby-making can now proceed!  Jared is more than excited to get back to work in that department and we are keeping our fingers crossed that it doesn’t take quite as long this time; and that it doesn’t have the same result.  The odds are in our favor though, so that gives me some hope!

Another thing I thought I would mention, I wasn’t sure if I really was healing emotionally but today I found out for sure.  My best friend for the last 15 years is/was pregnant, due October 9th.  She had her baby girl today, and we were all surprised!  Momma and baby are doing great, Maddie was a little small but doing great, no extra measures were needed (i.e. oxygen or anything like that) and proud papa Bryan could not stop smiling or hide that tear in his eye!  It was great to see them all, and to see God’s work again!  As soon as I showed up at the hospital they asked me to hold her and at first I just couldn’t, I was too afraid that I would cry.  So after about an hour of visiting, I finally gave in.  And you know what, I wasn’t jealous (which I will admit I was terrified that I might be) but I was filled with so much love for my newborn “niece” that I thought I might cry.  To look in her face and not wish that she was mine but to actually be so proud of Jennifer for all her hard work.  To know that this child will know so much love in her lifetime, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I wish my dear friends the best on this new journey they are taking, and I hope Maddie brings to them what Ace has brought to us; pure, unconditional, unwavering love!

Today I celebrate that not only was a child born but a mother and father as well!

We love you Jen and Bryan, welcome to the “Breeder’s Club”!

We love you Maddie (even though you just got here), welcome to the world!

Today’s the day…..

It’s Wednesday, and here I sit; when I should be sleeping. 

I go to the doctor today to make sure that everything passed like it was supposed to.  And God, I really hope it did….I don’t want anything else to have to take place.  As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, I might have to endure more and I don’t think that I can.

My friends must think I’m awful or a basketcase or just plain crazy at this point.  I have avoided everyone that I can for the last week, actually longer, but I think now I’m going to have to face them.  I’m sure everyone will want to tell me that everything will be okay, that this is for the best; but honestly I don’t want to hear it.  Not anymore!  I’m ready for this to be over, O-V-E-R, to just be a memory.  A really crappy memory!  I’ve grieved, believe me I’ve grieved over this, but now I honestly think that I’m beginning to heal.  That God really is taking this pain away.  It’s been 10 days, is this even possible?  I would like to think so.  Some people think I’m pretending to be fine when the truth of the matter is, I’m all cried out.  My tears have run dry….that whole in my heart; Ace is filling it up with so much love that I don’t notice it as much today as I did yesterday.  Today I walked right by the baby clothes at WalMart and didn’t stop to wonder if I would need pink or blue this time.  Just a slight trick of my mind maybe, but I would like to think that I’m done.  I’m done feeling hurt and miserable and sad and sick and all that mess that comes with it.  I’m ready to think of what next month might bring, or the month after that.  I’m ready to get back to living my life instead of just watching it happen from the sidelines.

I miss laughing for no reason at all, and sleeping late without my family thinking I’m alone in the bedroom crying my eyes out, and I miss exercising (which I haven’t really done and used to do everyday and I hate more than anything), and I miss talking on the phone without wondering if this will come up, and I miss my friends and family just being normal.  So please, stop asking if I’m okay when you don’t believe my response anyway, and stop tip-toeing around the subject of babies (of which I know 9 people due to have their own in the next few weeks to months), and stop treating me like I might fall to pieces any second.  I’m okay, not totally healed but I’m getting there and the sooner everyone gets back to life as usual the easier it will be!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate the support and love and prayers from everyone; honestly I think that is what has helped.  That this ordeal was not a secret that I had to go through on my own, that I did have so much support to lean on when I was at my lowest, that is what has helped me heal the most.  So let me heal…..and believe me when I say that I am getting there….and that I am okay.

I know I’m not the first woman in history to go through this, but if I could be the last that would be fine by me.  I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  So to those who have suffered through this, I wish you to be healed and let God’s love surround you and make you whole again; that’s what I’m trying to do.

Thank you Jared for being there and dealing with my crazy mood swings and irrational behavior at times, and for letting me scream when I needed to, and for listening without speaking, and loving me through this all.  You really are the best friend I have ever had, and I’m lucky to have you in my life!  I love you more than words….you have my heart until the end of time!

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

It’s over…..

It’s over, just like that.

Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone.  My heart is broken, I am broken…..

It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it.  This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears.  After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning.  I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes.  He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that.  This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.

I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words. 

How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met?  This was a part of me and Jared,  and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person.  I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have.  I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby.  A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance.  I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand.  I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another. 

I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly.  Today I am heart-broken.  Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.

Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him!  Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him.  Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.

Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away.  Tomorrow I will begin to heal.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.

Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:

I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.

11 Months In The Making

A few posts ago I hinted at some big news.  ZoeyJane and XBox both figured it out based on the contents of the trash that was emptied into the toilet

We are expecting!  Yay!  After 11 months of trying, we finally succeeded.

Positive Pregnancy Test

Positive Pregnancy Test

Looks like Ace is going to be a big brother.  😀

The official results will come this Friday when Momma goes to the doctor for the blood test, but 4 positive home pregnancy tests tells me that we will be neededing to buy another crib in the next few months.  😀

Venting……I just had to do it!!!

Okay so like the rest of you I’m hooked on xbox4nappyrash and his struggle to conceive a baby.  Apparently this is pretty common, at least in our house it is!  In case most of you forgot, or didn’t pay attention, we started “not trying” back in September 07.  Well here it is, May 08 and still nothing.  I got a little excited (I know I shouldn’t have) but when the old friend was 12 days late I let myself do it.  And look what happened, she arrived on Friday!!!  I hate it, and keep wishing it gone.

So here’s the deal, I went to the doctor last Tuesday to see what the hell was going or not going on. My doctor (love him!) was keeping his fingers crossed that a blood test would come back positive even  though two hpt’s were both negative.  So the news comes on Friday morning with the friend and no kidding, it’s a negative!  Then some lovely news to go with, my thyroid is jacked up!  My T3 and T4 levels are “way out of whack” according to the nurse and a follow up visit is required.  Not only required but mandatory. 

Let me give you the back story on the old thyroid.  After Ace was born, my thyroid swelled and my T3 and T4 levels went crazy, but this is “common” I’m told, after childbirth.  It’s called plain and simple, inflammation of the thyroid gland.  This is caused by my own immune system basically attacking my thyroid gland.  It is causing my levels to go sky high and then drop, and because of this, I cannot be diagnosed either hypo or hyperthyroid.  So when Ace was about 4 months old I started going to see a really great endocrinologist, one of the best in Columbus.  Here’s how that went:

Visit #1: Draw some blood, feel my throat, tell me things don’t appear to be that bad. (Leaving me with the hope that my PCP is just checking all the bases; my initial complaint was for dizziness and lightheadedness.) Follow up phone call: Ms H, your levels are not right, you must go see this specialist.

Visit #2: Draw some blood, go to the hospital for a scan.  The scan consisted of taking radioactive iodine laying on this bed and taking pictures of my thyroid to check for any abnormal growth.  Follow up phone call: Ms H, your levels are different than last time, but in the opposite direction, oh yeah and your thyroid is very enlarged, does this effect your swallow pattern? (Well now that you mention it, yes it does!)  You see, the average size of a thyroid gland is about as big as a guitar pick, mine on the other hand covers the entire front of my throat from left to right and top to bottom, this is problematic.

Visit #3: Draw some blood, go to the specialist again for an ultrasound of my thyroid gland to check for goiters and tumors.  Follow up phone call: Ms H, no goiters or tumors were found, just a very large gland, but we’ll continue to do blood work to figure out the next step.

Visit#4: Draw blood

Visit #5: Draw blood

Visit #6: Draw blood

Okay so all this happened over a period of 9 weeks, and what were the results, nothing, every-time they check my levels they are different and no where close to creating a pattern.  So the endocrinologist suggests drawing blood every 3 weeks indefinitely until they can decided what to do.  What momma suggested was to stop going to the doctor.  So this puts us at the end of September.  What does this have to do with getting pregnant?  Obviously everything!  My crazy thyroid is causing me to have very irregular cycles and from the home ovulation kits I’ve used, (2 months worth) it’s keeping me from ovulating.  No egg, no baby.  What now!  Well I have another doctor appointment on Monday, during which I will suggest just removing my gland (we’ll see how that goes over) and then I suppose I just sit and wait, what choice do I have!

Hostinger