It’s been a while……Update!

So it’s been a while since the last post, the one where I was going to the doctor to be checked.  Well as it turns out, everything came out fine and nothing else is needed.  Yay for that!!!  The other good thing, my monthly bill came so that means that my body is totally healed and the baby-making can now proceed!  Jared is more than excited to get back to work in that department and we are keeping our fingers crossed that it doesn’t take quite as long this time; and that it doesn’t have the same result.  The odds are in our favor though, so that gives me some hope!

Another thing I thought I would mention, I wasn’t sure if I really was healing emotionally but today I found out for sure.  My best friend for the last 15 years is/was pregnant, due October 9th.  She had her baby girl today, and we were all surprised!  Momma and baby are doing great, Maddie was a little small but doing great, no extra measures were needed (i.e. oxygen or anything like that) and proud papa Bryan could not stop smiling or hide that tear in his eye!  It was great to see them all, and to see God’s work again!  As soon as I showed up at the hospital they asked me to hold her and at first I just couldn’t, I was too afraid that I would cry.  So after about an hour of visiting, I finally gave in.  And you know what, I wasn’t jealous (which I will admit I was terrified that I might be) but I was filled with so much love for my newborn “niece” that I thought I might cry.  To look in her face and not wish that she was mine but to actually be so proud of Jennifer for all her hard work.  To know that this child will know so much love in her lifetime, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I wish my dear friends the best on this new journey they are taking, and I hope Maddie brings to them what Ace has brought to us; pure, unconditional, unwavering love!

Today I celebrate that not only was a child born but a mother and father as well!

We love you Jen and Bryan, welcome to the “Breeder’s Club”!

We love you Maddie (even though you just got here), welcome to the world!

Today’s the day…..

It’s Wednesday, and here I sit; when I should be sleeping. 

I go to the doctor today to make sure that everything passed like it was supposed to.  And God, I really hope it did….I don’t want anything else to have to take place.  As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, I might have to endure more and I don’t think that I can.

My friends must think I’m awful or a basketcase or just plain crazy at this point.  I have avoided everyone that I can for the last week, actually longer, but I think now I’m going to have to face them.  I’m sure everyone will want to tell me that everything will be okay, that this is for the best; but honestly I don’t want to hear it.  Not anymore!  I’m ready for this to be over, O-V-E-R, to just be a memory.  A really crappy memory!  I’ve grieved, believe me I’ve grieved over this, but now I honestly think that I’m beginning to heal.  That God really is taking this pain away.  It’s been 10 days, is this even possible?  I would like to think so.  Some people think I’m pretending to be fine when the truth of the matter is, I’m all cried out.  My tears have run dry….that whole in my heart; Ace is filling it up with so much love that I don’t notice it as much today as I did yesterday.  Today I walked right by the baby clothes at WalMart and didn’t stop to wonder if I would need pink or blue this time.  Just a slight trick of my mind maybe, but I would like to think that I’m done.  I’m done feeling hurt and miserable and sad and sick and all that mess that comes with it.  I’m ready to think of what next month might bring, or the month after that.  I’m ready to get back to living my life instead of just watching it happen from the sidelines.

I miss laughing for no reason at all, and sleeping late without my family thinking I’m alone in the bedroom crying my eyes out, and I miss exercising (which I haven’t really done and used to do everyday and I hate more than anything), and I miss talking on the phone without wondering if this will come up, and I miss my friends and family just being normal.  So please, stop asking if I’m okay when you don’t believe my response anyway, and stop tip-toeing around the subject of babies (of which I know 9 people due to have their own in the next few weeks to months), and stop treating me like I might fall to pieces any second.  I’m okay, not totally healed but I’m getting there and the sooner everyone gets back to life as usual the easier it will be!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate the support and love and prayers from everyone; honestly I think that is what has helped.  That this ordeal was not a secret that I had to go through on my own, that I did have so much support to lean on when I was at my lowest, that is what has helped me heal the most.  So let me heal…..and believe me when I say that I am getting there….and that I am okay.

I know I’m not the first woman in history to go through this, but if I could be the last that would be fine by me.  I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  So to those who have suffered through this, I wish you to be healed and let God’s love surround you and make you whole again; that’s what I’m trying to do.

Thank you Jared for being there and dealing with my crazy mood swings and irrational behavior at times, and for letting me scream when I needed to, and for listening without speaking, and loving me through this all.  You really are the best friend I have ever had, and I’m lucky to have you in my life!  I love you more than words….you have my heart until the end of time!

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

It’s over…..

It’s over, just like that.

Seven weeks ago it was here, last week it was here, even yesterday it was here; today it’s gone.  My heart is broken, I am broken…..

It’s so incredibly heart-breaking…to know how long we waited and to have it just taken back…I don’t get it.  This hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, so much pain, so many tears.  After eleven months I thought we finally succeeded, we got it right only to have it taken away so abruptly that my head is spinning.  I don’t know how to explain it, I don’t know how to understand it, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I keep telling myself what the doctor told me, there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I did wrong, it just happens sometimes.  He actually said this is for the best in the long run, that most likely there were serious problems or complications and one day I’ll understand that.  This does not mean it will never happen again, but it also doesn’t mean that it will either.

I spent the entire week praying that God would let me have this baby….that he would let me be happy, that everything would work out. I suppose I should have been preparing myself for the truth, for this to be the outcome, but I wanted to have faith. I wanted to believe that my faith wouldn’t let this happen to me, that it would be okay. That it could be okay, that I would be okay. My heart hurts so much, so much more than I can put into words. 

How can I miss someone I never knew…..how did I already love someone I’d never met?  This was a part of me and Jared,  and one day; some day; I will get to meet this person.  I can only hope that my Uncle Miles is holding this precious angel who never got to be, in his arms and loving them they way I would have.  I loved that baby, because to me it was already a baby; not an embryo or a fetus, but a baby.  A tiny person who we wanted to be….but never got that chance.  I know that God has reasons for everything, reasons we may not ever be able to understand.  I guess He just wasn’t ready to let go of this angel, that He wanted this one for Himself. But why my angel, why this one? Why take the one I have wanted for so long, only to leave me here with all these questions and emotions to try and sort through. I’m so thankful that I have Ace, I know he will help me get through, he will give me strength to just keep going. To look at him and see God’s love will help me more than anything. I know He gave me one, and I know someday He will give me another. 

I know in time I will heal, that this will one day just be a really bad memory. But today, I just want to hurt and cry and be angry and be confused, and be angry with God mostly.  Today I am heart-broken.  Today, I need to just cry and be sad, and wish for what could have been.

Tomorrow I will look at my little boy, and thank God for him!  Tomorrow I will hold Ace so tight that he will never question if his momma loves him.  Tomorrow I will give Ace so many kisses that he will beg his momma to stop….tomorrow I will just look at him and know that God is love.

Tomorrow I will pray for God to take my pain away.  Tomorrow I will begin to heal.

If God never gives us more than we can handle, I need God to know that I have all I can handle; please no more.

Here’s the whole situation and what happened, for those who would like to know:

I found out today for sure. Monday I woke up with some spotting which turned into bleeding and spent the night in the e.r., they diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to follow up with my regular doctor. Then on Tuesday my doctor did some blood work to compare my numbers to last Friday, everything should have at least doubled but in fact they went down. The baby was not developing anymore and he diagnosed me with an inevitable miscarriage. While at the doctors office I had to give a urine sample, and actually passed the fetal tissue in the office (I had to show it to them and they told me what it was). They will be doing an ultrasound on Wednesday to make sure everything passes so that I don’t get an infection.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, support and kind words; those both spoken and silent.

11 Months In The Making

A few posts ago I hinted at some big news.  ZoeyJane and XBox both figured it out based on the contents of the trash that was emptied into the toilet

We are expecting!  Yay!  After 11 months of trying, we finally succeeded.

Positive Pregnancy Test

Positive Pregnancy Test

Looks like Ace is going to be a big brother.  :D

The official results will come this Friday when Momma goes to the doctor for the blood test, but 4 positive home pregnancy tests tells me that we will be neededing to buy another crib in the next few months.  :D

3D/4D Ultrasound Video

Feel like taking a peek inside the womb?  We did!

When Momma was pregnant with Ace, we had a 3D / 4D Ultrasound performed at 29 weeks along.  I wrote a post about the 3D / 4D Ultrasound back when we had it done, but I only posted a few pictures.

I was looking back some of the old pictures and videos we have of Ace and I came across his 3D / 4D Ultrasound video.  The video was a recording of our entire 20 minute session.

I reduced the 20 minute video down to about 2 minutes of the cool stuff.  You know, like moving around, making faces, and of course showing us how he can kick the crap out of Momma. (Not literally :lol: )

Anyways, I hope you enjoy, and if you decide to have another baby definitely consider having a 3D/4D Ultrasound done.  It was something I will never forget…

[youtube]B6Adx48ldHw[/youtube]

Happy Birthday Ace!

In celebrating Ace’s first birthday I wanted to write about the most exciting day of my life.  The day that Ace was born.  I started DadThing.com when Ace was about 6 months old, so his birth story has never been told here.

Happy 1st Birthday Little Man!

The Birth Story!

It all started on March 12, 2007.  I was at work on the phone with a customer.  My cell phone rang, and it was Momma.  I put the customer on hold and answered my cell.  She said she was having contractions.  I told her I would call her right back after I got off the phone with the customer (I will never live that one down :D )  Thirty seconds later I called Momma back and we decided it was best for me to come home because the contractions were getting closer together.

When I arrive home Momma is in the shower.  She looks a lot more relaxed than I thought she would be.  I grab my stop watch and start timing the contractions while writing down when each contaction started and stopped.  After a few hours the contractions were down to about 5 minutes.  I call the doctor and was told it was time to go to the hospital.

I grab all of the bags that I had packed and ready for the occasion.  We get in the car, take the dog to Momma’s parent’s house, and then make our way to the hospital.  After arriving at the hospital we make our way to Maternity.  I get handed a packet full of paper to fill out (which I totally screwed up because I was so nervous).

After a few minutes we were walked back to the “observation room” where Momma was hooked up to all kinds of monitors that recorded the strength of her contractions and her and the babies vital signs.  Not long after she was hooked up to the monitors a nurse opened our curtain and walked in.  She informed us that Momma’s blood pressure was elevated and she needed to relax…easier said than done.  We spent what seemed like eternity in this small curtained in room that was barely big enough for the bed, the monitoring equipment, and me.

All Momma wanted to do was stand up.  This is what made her comfortable at home and she knew this would make her more comfortable here.  I asked the nurse if Momma could stand, but the nursesaid “No!”.  They were afraid that with Momma’s elevated blood pressure she would pass out or something.  So Momma had to just stick out the pain the best she could. (I gotta give a hand to Momma here.  She was tough and stayed strong!)

Finally, we were moved to a delivery room which was a bit more comfortable, but they still wouldn’t let Momma stand.  I made a call to Momma’s Dad and let him know that we had been admitted.  His job was to call everyone on the list that wanted to be at the hospital when Ace was born and let them know that the time has come.

In the delivery room Momma had to lay on her side.  Her blood pressure kept going up.  The nurses were freaking at this point and decided to give Momma some magnesium sulfate.  The magnesium was to keep Momma from having seizures!  That’s right seizures!!!  Very high blood pressure causes seizures!  I started to worry at this point!

Momma was all about not having an epidural, but due to her high blood pressure the nurses and doctors decided it was best to do the epidural so that Momma could relax and hopefully her blood pressure would drop.

After the epidural was administered the nurses turned out the lights and told us to go to sleep…we both passed out in record time.

I was woken by the lights turning on (after what seemed like a 30 second nap) and a nurse entering the room letting us know that it was time!  Holy shit!  It was time!  Although I had to do none of the pushing, none of the breathing, none of the tearing, none of the bleeding…I was nervous!  I stood there like a zombie.  I forgot most of what we had learned in the parenting classes.  I did my best to comfort Momma.

Momma’s water hadn’t broke yet, so the nurse broke it for her.  I saw it all.  I huge splash of brown liquid.  Brown because Ace had pooped in there.  The little booger couldn’t wait.  :D   They ran a small hose up in there and flushed the baby factory with water to get all of the marconium (a.k.a.  poop) out.

I just stood by Momma’s side as she pushed…and pushed…and pushed…

My cell phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID and it was my Dad.  Do I answer it?  I knew he was driving in from out of town and wouldn’t call unless it was important.  So I answered it.  He was lost.  I was giving him directions, but I don’t know my way around the city very well.  Momma asked who the hell I was talking to.  I told her my Dad was lost.  Momma was yelling out directions in between pushes.  (Another thing I will never live down.)  Once I got him headed in the right direction the cell phone was turned off so that I could fcous on the task at hand.  :D

Momma didn’t have to push much longer (she is a good pusher) and I could see the top of Ace’s head.  A few more pushes and his whole head was out.  I couldn’t see his face though.  The doctors suctioned out his mouth and nose.  A few more pushes and his shoulder came out.  One more push and he flew right out of there into the doctors hands.  The doctor placed Ace on Momma’s belly.  I just stood there staring at him in amazement.  Momma was doing the same.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t smile.  I didn’t say a word.  I just stood there in total amazement.

The doctor asked me if I would like to cut the cord.  I snapped out of zombie mode as I was handed a pair of scissors.  He pointed at the area for me to cut.  I clearly saw where to cut, but had to ask him…”Right here?”…just to make sure. :D   A few snips with the scissors and I realized that I just set the little guy free.

He was now on his own.  No longer would Momma’s body supply him with what he needed to survive.  He had to breath.  He had to eat.  He had to poop and pee on his own.  He was a real, live person!

They took Ace over and cleaned him up, weighed him, measured him, and checked all of his vitals.  I was still just standing there…amazed!  Momma had to tell me to get the camera and go take some pictures.

 

ace-baby-first-day-home-from-the-hospital

He weighed 6 lbs. 8 oz.

I remember saying “Hi” to him.  It was weird hearing myself say, “Hi Ace!”.  He didn’t exist in this world a few seconds ago.  Ace was someone that had only existed in my imagination up to this point.  I remember putting my finger in his little hand and having him grab a hold.  Still chokes me up to this day…

I remember the nurse then wrapping him up, putting that tiny little hat on him, and letting Momma hold him for the first time.

ace-looking-into-his-moms-eyes

Momma was a natural.  She knew what to say, how to hold him, how to act…she truly was a natural!  And I was so proud of her!

A few minutes later Momma handed Ace to me.  I had never held a small baby and was nervous about it, but ya know what?  It felt very natural…even though I probably looked extremely awkward and nervous.  :D

proud-dad

And that’s how it all started.  A year ago today.  Me…proud…a Dad.

Prenatal Olympics – Babies Moving During Pregnancy

I found this really cool video on YouTube. This is especially for all of you expectant fathers that visit the site.

[youtube]w0WWOpH0oPk[/youtube]

Ace never moved this visibly while he was in his mommy’s belly, but when he did move it had some force! His mom used to say she could feel his toes digging between her ribs. I could definitely feel it with my hand and see him move slightly.

I remember many nights where my wife and I switched sleeping positions…she was the big spoon and I was the little one ;) That little booger would wake me up in the middle of the night by kicking me in the lower back. I would turn around to see what the hell my wife was doing hitting me in the back and she would be sound asleep. I’d lay back down and Ace would be drumming away with his hands and feet. I don’t know how his momma slept through all of that movement…

She said it was her version of doing what I do to her…waking her up unknowingly in the morning by poking her with things. :)