I promised, a few posts (and weeks) ago that I would put up some of the pics from our latest photo session with Lotz Photography. These are some of my favorite shots yet of our family, and Ace in particular! He is becoming the little-man-of-1000-faces. Enjoy… 
Family Christmas Pic 2008
DadThing has been filled with stories about Ace’s firsts. From his first step to his first night with no bottle.
However, something happened this weekend that was a first for me. It was not nearly as happy a time as when Ace rolled over for the first time. I spent my first ever night in the hospital.
I have had a problem with my heart since I was in junior high school, but no doctor could ever tell me what it was. I have had multiple EKGs, Echoes, stress tests, you name it…and they all come back normal. I swear the doctors thought I was making stuff up.
Ya see, sometimes, especially when I exert myself, my heart goes crazy. It beats really hard and with no real rythym. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to pass out and I almost always have to sit down until my heart calms down a bit. Usually I can get it to stop within 10 minutes or so with some techniques I have discovered over the years, but not Saturday night. After about 3 hours I drove myself to the emergency room.
I did not feel bad. There was no pain, I did not feel faint or anything. I just knew that something was not right. I walked up to the ER receptionist and told her that I would like to be seen for a rapid and irregular heart beat. She took my name and social security number and I immediately went back for an EKG.
The nurse doing the EKG seemed very urgent and I immediately went into triage to have my vitals checked. My blood pressure was high and my heart rate was 180 beats per minute. A normal heart rate is around 70 beats per minute. Yikes! The triage nurse, said “Wait right here. You are next to be seen.”
I did not pass GO, did not collect $200, and went directly to an ER bed where I was immediately stuck with an IV, had X-Rays, and then lied there for a few hours hoping the medicine would make my heart beat normally. The urgency of everyone in the ER was kind of frightening.
This has been happening to me for over 15 years now and I had become used to living with it, but I guess it really was something serious…atrial fibrillation.
About 6 hours later I was admitted to the hospital. After another 4 hours of lying in the hospital bed hooked to heart monitors a nurse rushed in my room as she yelled into her phone, “I need an EKG STAT!!” I thought that something bad had happened. I thought my heart had really gone crazy and I was in trouble…
However, she then looked at me and smiled. “You converted!!” My heart beat had converted back to a normal sinus rhythm. This was a good thing because if the medicine did not convert me, they would have had to shock my heart with the paddles….while I was awake and alert.
I had to stay in the hospital for another day in observation to make sure that my heart did not go back into atrial fibrillation again, and to also make sure I did not have a stroke (a side effect of being in atrial fibrillation for an extended period of time).
Momma brought Ace in to visit me and I will never forget the look on his face when he saw my lying there in that hospital bed. He was confused and scared at the same time. After he realized that I was OK, he did grab my finger and we took a few laps around the observation unit. Ace pulling me, and me pulling an IV. The little old ladies and the nurses got a kick out of him taking Daddy for a walk.
So now I am back home, with no restrictions, and a little different out look on life. I have cut caffeine out of my diet. Once I have that under control, smoking is next.
I can’t live like there is no tomorrow anymore. There are a few people in this world that count on me being there…and I’m going to do my part to make sure that happens.
So it’s been a while since the last post, the one where I was going to the doctor to be checked. Well as it turns out, everything came out fine and nothing else is needed. Yay for that!!! The other good thing, my monthly bill came so that means that my body is totally healed and the baby-making can now proceed! Jared is more than excited to get back to work in that department and we are keeping our fingers crossed that it doesn’t take quite as long this time; and that it doesn’t have the same result. The odds are in our favor though, so that gives me some hope!
Another thing I thought I would mention, I wasn’t sure if I really was healing emotionally but today I found out for sure. My best friend for the last 15 years is/was pregnant, due October 9th. She had her baby girl today, and we were all surprised! Momma and baby are doing great, Maddie was a little small but doing great, no extra measures were needed (i.e. oxygen or anything like that) and proud papa Bryan could not stop smiling or hide that tear in his eye! It was great to see them all, and to see God’s work again! As soon as I showed up at the hospital they asked me to hold her and at first I just couldn’t, I was too afraid that I would cry. So after about an hour of visiting, I finally gave in. And you know what, I wasn’t jealous (which I will admit I was terrified that I might be) but I was filled with so much love for my newborn “niece” that I thought I might cry. To look in her face and not wish that she was mine but to actually be so proud of Jennifer for all her hard work. To know that this child will know so much love in her lifetime, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I wish my dear friends the best on this new journey they are taking, and I hope Maddie brings to them what Ace has brought to us; pure, unconditional, unwavering love!
Today I celebrate that not only was a child born but a mother and father as well!
We love you Jen and Bryan, welcome to the “Breeder’s Club”!
We love you Maddie (even though you just got here), welcome to the world!
It’s Wednesday, and here I sit; when I should be sleeping.
I go to the doctor today to make sure that everything passed like it was supposed to. And God, I really hope it did….I don’t want anything else to have to take place. As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, I might have to endure more and I don’t think that I can.
My friends must think I’m awful or a basketcase or just plain crazy at this point. I have avoided everyone that I can for the last week, actually longer, but I think now I’m going to have to face them. I’m sure everyone will want to tell me that everything will be okay, that this is for the best; but honestly I don’t want to hear it. Not anymore! I’m ready for this to be over, O-V-E-R, to just be a memory. A really crappy memory! I’ve grieved, believe me I’ve grieved over this, but now I honestly think that I’m beginning to heal. That God really is taking this pain away. It’s been 10 days, is this even possible? I would like to think so. Some people think I’m pretending to be fine when the truth of the matter is, I’m all cried out. My tears have run dry….that whole in my heart; Ace is filling it up with so much love that I don’t notice it as much today as I did yesterday. Today I walked right by the baby clothes at WalMart and didn’t stop to wonder if I would need pink or blue this time. Just a slight trick of my mind maybe, but I would like to think that I’m done. I’m done feeling hurt and miserable and sad and sick and all that mess that comes with it. I’m ready to think of what next month might bring, or the month after that. I’m ready to get back to living my life instead of just watching it happen from the sidelines.
I miss laughing for no reason at all, and sleeping late without my family thinking I’m alone in the bedroom crying my eyes out, and I miss exercising (which I haven’t really done and used to do everyday and I hate more than anything), and I miss talking on the phone without wondering if this will come up, and I miss my friends and family just being normal. So please, stop asking if I’m okay when you don’t believe my response anyway, and stop tip-toeing around the subject of babies (of which I know 9 people due to have their own in the next few weeks to months), and stop treating me like I might fall to pieces any second. I’m okay, not totally healed but I’m getting there and the sooner everyone gets back to life as usual the easier it will be!
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate the support and love and prayers from everyone; honestly I think that is what has helped. That this ordeal was not a secret that I had to go through on my own, that I did have so much support to lean on when I was at my lowest, that is what has helped me heal the most. So let me heal…..and believe me when I say that I am getting there….and that I am okay.
I know I’m not the first woman in history to go through this, but if I could be the last that would be fine by me. I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on anyone, not even my worst enemy. So to those who have suffered through this, I wish you to be healed and let God’s love surround you and make you whole again; that’s what I’m trying to do.
Thank you Jared for being there and dealing with my crazy mood swings and irrational behavior at times, and for letting me scream when I needed to, and for listening without speaking, and loving me through this all. You really are the best friend I have ever had, and I’m lucky to have you in my life! I love you more than words….you have my heart until the end of time!
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
